Pretending

During the last few days it’s been misting. Sometimes it rained but mostly it was misty. I don’t like mist. Mist is not enough to justify an open umbrella. People give you funny looks when you have your umbrella up and it’s only misting. I rather it rain so I can open my umbrella to keep dry. The real reason mist annoys me is that my hair frizzes in the mist. I start to look like Donna Summer in the 70’s (see picture above). Mist pretends it’s raining. It’s fake rain – or “rain light.”

When I was a little girl one of my favorite things to do was pretend. I would watch classic movies on TV, and then pretend I was one of the characters. I would carry out dialogue in front of the mirror mimicking different actors. I had plenty of friends growing up so I didn’t do this because I was lonely, but because it was fun.

Just like the mist my pretending was fake – or “Nadine light.” It messed me up as an adolescent. I would be what I needed to be to survive or to be on top of a situation.

Kids made fun of me when I was little. It was difficult and hurtful. I never felt accepted so I overcompensated. If I felt I was about to be bullied then I bullied first. The problem was I started to bully all the time just in case. If I went on the defensive then no one could laugh at me. If the situation called for me to be confident then I was over the top filled with confidence. The truth of the matter was that I wasn’t confident. I didn’t feel I was very pretty so I faked it.

Pretending has its place. I wouldn’t want to go see a movie or play that the actors didn’t pretend very well. On the other hand I don’t want the guy flying my plane or operating on my gall bladder to pretend.

When I became a Christian it was the first time I didn’t have to “fake” it. I was able to be real with God. I wasn’t going to fool Him anyway. It took a while, but I finally figured out who I was. God has changed my heart but not my personality. I love to have fun and enjoy life.

I have a serious side too. I love the Lord. My heart is to serve Him and His people in any capacity He chooses. I’m not perfect, but that’s okay with God. If I were perfect, then there wouldn’t be any need for Him.

© Nadine Zawacki 2009

Chicago Cutlery

For Mother’s Day my darling husband gave me a set of Chicago Cutlery knives. When we were in South Carolina, I helped my friend Danni cook one night and she had a set. I loved it.

I love how sharp they are and yet very light weight. I love that they are made with one piece of metal. I love how easy cutting has become - slicing, dicing, chopping, peeling, etc. I find myself making excuses to cut food, just so I can use my new knives.

I find the ease of use adds to the fun of cooking for me. I love to cook. I love to entertain and I love making food that people enjoy to eat. Using the correct equipment makes it easier. A new “toy” will do that for me.

When I was a child, I loved new toys. I found them exciting to play with and figure out. When the “new” toys became “old” toys they weren’t as special anymore. I would find that I started to lose the appreciation of the joy they bought me when I first received them.

Looking back I’ve observed – when the “newness” wore off, I went back to my “favorite” toy. I would pick it back up and play with it. My favorite never worried that it would be abandoned forever. It knew that soon I would return because I felt loved by it and comforted by it. My favorite toy was this baby doll that I received when I was two years old. I still have it. I called it “Boy.”

As an adult maturity comes into play and I try to appreciate what I have and what I receive. I don’t tire of some things when I’ve had them for a long time – my camera, my laptop, my shoes, etc. I find that I’m more grateful for what I have and want to hold on to it.

When we left Washington, I gave up many things. We gave away, sold or threw away many favorite “toys” I had. It was hard. I still miss my sewing machine. To be honest I didn’t use it often, but now keep finding projects I would do or could do if I still had it.

This is life. You grow up and sometimes you move on. You leave behind things.

While we traveled during our road trip the one thing I realize that I didn’t lose, even if it’s left behind, are friends and memories. Those I took with me wherever I went. New memories and new friends are important. It doesn’t betray the “old” but it enriches life.

I thank God for all that He has given me. The most important are the people that He placed in my life and I’ve had the opportunity to love.

© Nadine Zawacki 2009

You Don’t Realize What You’re Missing . . .

I’ve been settling into our new home. It’s the smallest place we ever lived and the most expensive. I’m very grateful for a place to live. It’s close to the church. It doesn’t take very long to clean because it’s small. We have storage for the excess stuff downstairs in the basement. Many places we looked at didn’t have storage.

We didn’t notice that the apartment didn’t have a dishwasher or a microwave when we looked at it back in April. Easy enough fix – we bought a microwave. When we were first married, we didn’t have a microwave. What on earth did I do without microwaves back then?

I am very happy to be here in New York. I love the people at our church. I’m having fun getting to know everyone and they have been such a blessing to us. I love that we are near family again. I love the foods of New York.

But you don’t realize what you’re missing until you don’t have it. Why is that?

It’s a little thing, but I miss you dishwasher. One day, when we have a house again, I look forward to having you back in my life. I promise not to take you for granted again.

© Nadine Zawacki 2009

Good News

I want to thank everyone for praying for Tom during this bout with cancer. It wasn’t easy to move right after he had his last chemo treatment, but God worked it all out for us.

One of the first things we had to do when we got to New York was connect with an oncologist so that Tom could have his follow up PET Scan to see how effective the chemo was. We heard from the doctor’s office today and the scan came back good. No cancer was evident and he is now in remission again.

He will have a check up in July with the doctor to discuss follow-up treatments. There is a big relief in my heart today and I celebrate the fact that it is gone.

With cancer, I live in the now – it’s gone now and life will get back to normal. The unfortunate part of it all is that this type of cancer has a very high recurrence rate. As far as the medical profession is concerned it’s not “if” it will come back, but “when.” That’s the medical profession.

The medical profession doesn’t always factor in God. The hope I have in God is that Tom will not have to go down this road again. I can’t and I won’t let the medical profession rob me of the joy of a good report with the underlying warnings of recurrence.

Thank you to all of you, who have prayed during this difficult time – it has helped us more than you know. I thank God for His part in all of this. I thank Him and hold on to the hope that Tom will not have to face this again. With God all things are possible. With Him we are made whole and we are healed. For this I am grateful.

© Nadine Zawacki 2009

Three Years and Counting

Three years ago today I stated blogging. I had no idea what I was doing. I was encouraged by Tom to start writing as a creative outlet. That first post, First Entry, had one comment on it. It wasn’t even from Tom. I didn’t write for the comments and I learned I had many lurkers who read my blog that first year. It doesn’t matter, thank you for reading.

Now over 400 posts later, 70,6007 (approximate) hits on my blog from people all over the world and 52 followers (never to late to follow), I find myself blessed. I’m blessed because I have had the opportunity to meet so many wonderful people through the world of blogging. Some of you have been reading my musings from the beginning and others joined me somewhere along the way. I’ve gotten to meet three of you in person and spoken to a few of you on the phone. I’ve not been disappointed because you were just as you represented yourselves to be.

In the past three years you have joined me on this journey called life. Supported me through Tom’s fight with cancer, followed me on my road trips and cruises, celebrated birthdays and anniversaries. You followed my journey as I prepared to self publish my first novel and were there with your support when it finally came to pass.

Your support and encouragement have been invaluable.

I want to thank you for letting me peek into your world as well. I’ve enjoyed pictures of your kids as they grow up and the stories you share about them. I’ve loved your humor at life and laughed along with you. I’ve been uplifted by your spiritual journey and encouraged by your faith.

Why do I blog? In my first post, I mentioned how I love to tell a story. I still do.

I’ll continue to blog until I feel I have nothing else to say. Thank you - all of you who comment and those of you who don’t, but keep coming back to hear what I have to say. Thank you for reading.

© Nadine Zawacki 2009

Beauty is in the eyes of . . .

It was time for me to get my passport renewed. I went to the Post Office and they gave me a form and told me I needed to get my picture taken. Oh, no! I hate getting my picture taken for these types of things. It never comes out nice and it always looks like a mug shot. I got the photo done at CVS (located near the post office) and they had to do it twice. I'm just glad to get it over with.

I go to the Post Office and the very nice lady said to me, “Oh, honey we can’t use this picture. They’ll reject it because you hair is covering your eye. Just go back have them do it again and when you come back don’t wait on line, just right up to my window.”

Fine. I get it done again. My hair was just slightly over my eye. You could see 98% of my eye, but the picture was okay. The third time was the worst. I mentioned that it wasn’t a good shot and the lady said to me, “All these pictures come out bad, it’s just the way it is.” Thanks. I’m so glad my photo is as hideous as everyone else’s. I appreciate the support and understanding. Whatever happened to lying to the customer. “Oh, it’s a nice shot. Everyone thinks their photo is bad, but this is one looks good.”

I’ve met beautiful women – I mean, model beautiful – and they have no self-confidence in their beauty or truly believe they are not attractive at all. I’ve met women that the world may say is not very beautiful – but they have charm and carry themselves as if they were Miss America. Why is that? I think it’s because beauty comes from within. I have a hard time accepting compliments from Tom, but he consistently tells me I’m beautiful. He tells me daily. He says he loves me daily. There are days I say thank you and there are days I look at him with the eyes of woman who’s happy the man she’s married to believes she is the most beautiful woman in the world.

Why do I diminish his compliment? Does he love for me lesson my beauty in his eyes? Does it really matter what my passport photo looks like? Does the beauty inside leak on the outside?

If my focus is on Him who created me then the beauty he created (me) is beautiful in the eyes that matter the most – His. It’s the whole package and when I am not happy with any part of the package, that is when I’ll pick on the outside of me – I’m too heavy, this looks terrible on me, my hair looks gross today. I’ll also pick on the inside – I’m not very nice, I’m too critical, I should think more of others.

To be honest I do like my eyes and I like to make people laugh. So, what part of the outside do you like about yourself? What do you like about what’s inside of you? Come on, I shared, now it’s your turn.

© Nadine Zawacki 2009

To Boldly Go . . .

One of the nicest things about being married to someone who shares your likes is that you can share in those likes. Tom and I are long time Star Trek fans. We went to see the new Star Trek movie. It was really good. The actors playing the younger versions of Kirk, Spock, Bones, and Scotty really captured the essence of those characters.

I loved hearing those lines that made the original characters famous. The mannerisms of the original crew were captured with flair. I thought the movie paid respect of the original show and gave its fans something to love about the new version.

If you are a fan of the original show, you will love this movie. It was very entertaining and contains some classic lines, which I will not go into because I don’t want to spoil it for you.

The best part was I got to snuggle with Tom with his arm around me. That was my favorite part.

So, I encourage you all to go do something with the one you love that you both enjoy. Do something that makes you both smile – read a book together, take a walk, go see a movie, go out for a romantic dinner, etc. or just simply enjoy some snuggle time.

© Nadine Zawacki 2009

Adjusting

This past week has been extremely busy. It’s been a time of adjusting to our new surroundings, unpacking and loads of activity - our first Sunday at church, invitations to dinners, a wedding vow renewal, a family party and a doctor’s appointment. It’s all been good.

We haven’t lived in NY for 16 years. We never lived out on Long Island so getting around is a bit different. I’m grateful for Roxy (our GPS). I’m also grateful that Tom has done the majority of the driving. People drive very aggressively. I don’t think New Yorkers realize how aggressive they drive. Tom says it’s because they are tired of being stuck in traffic and as soon as they see any opening – it’s off they go. I’ve grown soft in the past 16 years but Tom has confidence I can drive around here. Time will tell.

We went to the bank and when I walked in I was taken aback by the tellers under glass. The bank tellers work from behind bullet proof glass. Hummmm… it was a normal sight for me 16 years ago.

Don’t get me wrong, there so many things I love about NY.

I’ve love the people (family, church, and friends), the food (pizza, bagels, etc.) and the culture. There is so much to do here and so much to see. It is a fascinating place to live.

Adjusting takes time. It’s only been a week. I know God has bought us back to NY for so many reasons. I’m really excited about being here. I can’t wait to see what God will do with us in this place. The people at church are wonderful. They are a great group of people that I’m enjoying getting to know better.

It’s been a great week – busy – but great.

© Nadine Zawacki 2009

To all you lovely Moms out there – Happy Mother’s Day.

Who Says New Yorkers are Rude?

The last several days have been spent trying to get settled. When we got the keys to our new home, we entered and found the flowers in the above picture. There was a card welcoming us to our new home and a little bowl of fruit. This was from our landlords, whom we had not met yet. We later met our neighbor upstairs. He sacrificed his parking space for one of our PODS and was very sweet about it. He told us if we needed extra help moving in, he would be available. If it stopped there, that would be nice enough. Later he was going to store and asked if I needed any essentials for the morning.

Our PODS arrived on Friday. We needed to get the TVs, computers and phones out of the PODS and set up for the internet man who was coming the next morning. We told the movers in Texas to make sure those boxes were accessible. Was that case? No. Thanks to two fantastic guys from the church, Peter and Maurice the TVs were rescued. Unfortunately they had to remove a love seat, large chair, Tom’s desk, a futon and several boxes to get to it. We appreciated their help very much. They worked hard even when rain started to pour down on them.

Saturday came and an army from the church came and unloaded both PODS in just one hour (it rained Saturday too). While the men were taking down doors and moving heavy furniture and tons of boxes, etc. the wonderful ladies were unpacking boxes and helping to set up the kitchen, bathroom and helping to make sure my bed was made. The basement stored all our belongings that couldn’t fit in the apartment. A couple of guys moved things around and organized it so that I could easily get to the boxes.

It doesn’t stop there. Some people bought donuts, cookies, bagels, coffee, and orange juice for everyone to munch on while they worked. Wow right? What I didn’t realized was that one of the men of the church who loves to cook got up at 5:30 in the morning to make baked ziti, Chicken Masala, salad, and fruit to feed the masses. It was delicious – thank you Sal and Maria.

Tom and I felt very loved by everyone in the church. The army of help we received over the weekend was priceless to us. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Now whoever says New Yorkers are rude haven’t met these wonderful people.

© Nadine Zawacki 2009