Monday, May 29, 2006

God is Bigger Than Even This

Today during worship a song was sung that really moved me. It was a simple song that has been around a long time but it doesn’t take away from the power of the words. I have to confess that I have struggled with some things in the past year. It started with the doctor telling me that Tom had cancer -Non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma to be exact. He proceeded to tell us that it was Stage 1 and slow growing. Now you would think that was good news right? I mean it's not growing quickly and now a days there are operations and other treatments that can take of things like this. But the flip side to that was there was no cure (medical cure that is). My world stopped that day. I was plagued for months with desperate cries to God for mercy and healing. Our people rallied around us and I don’t think we could have gone through the months of chemo therapy if it were not for their love, prayers and practical ways they helped us (from bringing us meals, Mike who took Tom to his chemo treatments and sat with him so he wouldn't be alone and those who came to visit Tom during his treatments).

So for the past year things like this tend to die down. Good reports of remission come about and people start to forget, but they know in the back of their minds that it’s there. They are there for you and ask how things are going and I know they continue to pray because the prayers are felt. Our friends are truly special.

So why this recap of the past year? It dawned on me that I have put up a wall between me and God. It’s a wall I continually try to push down, but it’s there. I realize it when fear starts to creep into my mind and takes over my emotions. The fear that this man that I loved for over 28 years and will be married to for 25 next week might be taken from me before we get a chance to grow old together. Truly this thought doesn’t occupy my thoughts daily but when it comes in, the wall goes up.

The day before, my daughter, Lisa, Tom and I were watching television. “Father of the Bride” was on. It’s a special movie to Lisa and Tom because Lisa gave Tom the movie as gift telling him it reminded her of him. It was the end of the movie when the daughter gets married and Tom gets all choked up each time he sees it. It’s really endearing but at that moment the horror of “what if” flooded me. What if he’s not around for that special day? The grief of it almost took me out. But I stuffed it down deep and put it away as I have many times before.

Brings me back to this morning and worship and a simple song that ministered to me. So here are the words:

I have made You too small in my eyes.
Oh Lord forgive me.
And I have believed in a lie that You were unable to help me.
But now Oh Lord I see my wrong.
Heal my heart and show Yourself strong.
And in my eyes and with my song.
Oh Lord be magnified.
Oh Lord be magnified.
Be magnified Oh Lord.
You are highly exalted.
And there is nothing You can’t do,
Oh Lord my eyes are on You.
Be magnified.
Oh Lord be magnified.

God is good and I know that he loves me. These are truths I know in my heart about the Father. I also know that cancer is an injustice in our lives that God will heal Tom of. I sometimes need to be reminded that God is bigger than my mind and my fears, don’t you?

Copyright © Nadine Z. 2006

1 comment:

Don C. said...

I love your honesty my sister! I pray for Tom's complete healing regularly. I have not forgotten, my friends. I believe with all my heart that Tom will be healed and will pray for the peace that passes all understanding to root itself firmly in your heart of hearts.