Tonight I just finished teaching my first lesson in over two years. Since yesterday the feeling of being inadequate and fear of failure were at times overwhelming. I struggled to keep it together. I was afraid of letting down God, my husband and myself. What if I heard God wrong about teaching? What if He wasn’t telling me to do this?
I found myself fighting the compulsion to throw up at the thought of getting up in front of the class and opening my mouth. I don’t have a problem getting up in front of people and speaking. In fact I love a captive audience. I love to tell a story and if it’s funny that’s even better. Teaching…now that’s a different animal for me.
I kept reminding myself of the counting to five rule – allowing the fear to run free for only five seconds and then stop. It worked but I had to repeat it over and over again. My turn to teach was after the dinner break. These classes are intense. The schedule is Thursday night from 7:00 – 9:00pm. Friday and Saturday from 9:00 am until 9:00 pm with two hour lunch and dinner breaks. It makes for long days and keeping the attention of the students is not always easy.
I worked today, so I went home and changed my clothes. By the time I got to the church I felt better. We went out to dinner and were blessed by the generosity of a friend who paid – thanks Daddio. But as it got closer to my teaching time, I felt like that little engine that could – I think I can, I think I can. After prayer from the other teachers something happened inside of me. I was reminded by God that I just needed to be me, relax and enjoy myself. I did. I was surprised that I enjoyed myself and had fun. The anticipation was worse than actually doing it.
So thank you Lord for helping me tonight and stretching me. Thank you for the love, support and prayers of those around me. Thank You for showing me that yes I can…yes I can.
© Nadine Z. 2007