Birthday Week

Yesterday was my birthday. I had a great day. Tom could not have been sweeter or more attentive if he tried. Before I get to that, let me tell you about birthday week. One of the ladies at church had a recent birthday and I noticed it was being celebrated for the whole week. Tom kept asking me what I wanted for my birthday and I kept coming up with a blank. It’s been hard for me to get excited about my birthday. It has nothing to do with age. I’m fine with my age. It had been a rough year. We sold our home that I loved, moved twice and had to deal with cancer again.

Having a week long celebration really helped. Tom made me some very special seafood dinners and was so sweet to me leading up to my birthday. I had shrimp scampi and Sicilian Seafood Stew. Yummy.

On my actual birthday he couldn’t have been more of a prince. He got up and came back from the store with: beautiful pink roses, a lovely card, my favorite Starbucks latte and a cream cheese bagel. We went to the movies. We saw Fame. I loved the original. The remake was okay, but my movie partner was handsome and charming. We bought some nice steaks, lobster tail and King Crab legs. That’s right he made me an incredible birthday dinner.

I had such a great day with Tom. My kids called. I got lots of birthday love on Facebook. I received a Happy Birthday text, lovely cards in the mail and even an e-card. I felt very loved and very special.

So if you find yourself not wanting to celebrate your birthday – make a week long event out of it. Trust me. If you love your birthday stretch it out for a week.

Thank you Tom for loving me and making me feel special.

© Nadine Zawacki 2009

Shiny Broken Pieces

Today I have a guest blogger, my hubby Tom. I wanted to reprint this blog post he wrote. It spoke to my heart and I hope it speaks to yours.

Awoke at 3:00 AM, can't seem to sleep. Watched the season premier of House tonight. The main character is a brilliant but very broken physician. This episode opens up with our extremely gifted yet horribly flawed hero in a state mental institution... as a patent. The next two hours portrayed his journey to emotional honesty. The writers and actors did their jobs very well.

It made me think.

I'm broken too. I cover up my my brokenness effectively but that doesn't mean I'm whole, I'm not. I'm still broken. I've learned how to ignore my pain and how to coexist with my pain and even how to function at very high levels in spite of my pain. But none of these things, not one, has healed or removed my pain.

I could go on like this, broken yet functional, for a very long time and most would never know. Our culture is ill-equipped to deal with flawed leaders, the church even less then society. I have learned how to see the good in every circumstance and situation. When life has given me lemons I've used them to make very tasty sermon illustrations. I'm more entertaining but I'm still broken. Others are refreshed, heck, some are even inspired - but me, if I'm truly honest I have to admit, my pain still remains.

"Com' on Tom, count your blessings..." I do have many, much more than I deserve.

"Look at the lives you have touched..." Wow, more than I could ever have imagined, I'm humbled, eternally grateful - the lemonade has gone a long way, a very long way.

But about that pain...

Papa, two bouts of cancer have broken me in ways I can't begin to express. The physical toll, as expensive as it has been, is easily eclipsed by the emotional and spiritual. Please take all my fractured pieces. Some have been hidden away for a very long time. Others I have have kept well polished and as presentable as possible. I have no idea how to repair them, some don't seem to fit together any longer. I'm pretty sure that many just need to be replaced.

Papa, I offer you my heart, please be gentle, it's been through a lot and it's been broken for a very long time, thanks. Well, it's almost 4:30, I'm going back to bed and see if I can get a little more sleep, goodnight.

© Tom Zawacki 2009

Guilty Pleasure

I am the first to admit that there are some shows I like to call “guilty pleasures.” Why do I call them that? Well, it’s because they may not be the “best” thing on television but I find pleasure in watching it anyway. One of those shows to my surprise is called, Drop Dead Diva. The premise is dumb and the acting is less than stellar but I find enjoyment in it anyway. The show is about a plus size lawyer who dies and goes to heaven the same time that a pretty blonde model does. The model pushes a button to go back to earth and ends up in the body of the plus size lawyer. She retains her memories but is now suddenly very smart. I told you it was a dumb premise.

This past week the show was about the lawyer going into a fancy boutique to buy a dress she saw advertised. The problem came when the store didn’t carry anything above a size 10. She was treated “less than” because of her size and asked to leave. Being a lawyer she naturally sued them.

It reminded me of something that happened when I my daughter was visiting. We went to the mall. I was wearing my Wal-Mart special jeans, shirt and sneakers. My hair was up and I had very little make-up. I was comfortable. We were in Lord & Taylor. We passed by the fur coat area and I walked in to take a better look. A man came out from the back, took one look at me and when right back from which he came. I remembered feeling “less than.” I so wanted to have a Pretty Woman moment. I wanted to go buy a very expensive fur coat somewhere else, come back and let that man know he “blew it.”

Maybe I like the show because I have had a problem with my weight my whole life. There have been times when I was thin but mostly I shop in that “plus size” section of the store.

Whether I lose weight or not doesn’t matter. What matters is - do I feel good about who I am as a person? Am I less intelligent because of the section of the store I shop? Am I nicer? Am I less than because I can’t afford a fur coat? No. Hey, don’t get me wrong I would love to lose weight and afford that fur coat. But this I know, neither one defines who I am. I have a man who loves me and tells me everyday I am beautiful. That is worth more than money or a size 10 pair of jeans.

This particular guilty pleasure allowed me to take a look at myself and realize that I like me. I am blessed. How many guilty pleasures can you say that about?

© Nadine Zawacki 2009

Always Remember

This is the first time since 9/11 we are living back in New York. I remember watching the coverage on television while living in Washington state. I couldn't believe my eyes. My heart ached at the thought of the lost of life. The pain for the family members who were unsure of the fate of their loved ones. My niece worked across the street and saw the plane go into the building. We were worried until we heard she was okay late in the day. We were blessed that she was not hurt. Tom lost a childhood friend, a fireman who even though was off duty went into the tower to help.

Today, FOX news showed footage from that day. It felt real again. It felt different being in New York remembering it. There were thousands of lives lost - not only in New York, but in the Pentagon and Pennsylvania.

I remember the innocent and the brave that were lost. I pray for those they left behind as they grieve the loss of their loved ones.

Sam the Bellhop

This was very cute. I thought you all would like it. He uses a whole deck of cards as he tells a story about Sam the Bellhop.

Driving

We have traveled quit a bit since we moved to New York. Our family lives closer, but it still takes sometimes hours to visit them. We went to Boston for a conference and Pennsylvania for a doctor visit recently.

This is what I noticed.

Motorcycle drivers think the dotted line in the road is their own private lane. It makes me nuts when they speed by between two cars. The fact that this is very dangerous doesn’t seem to faze them.

When we drove through the town of Bloomsburg, PA on Route 11 there are warning signs. As Tom and I were driving he read one: “Caution, watch for aggressive drivers.” I thought he was kidding when he no sooner spoke those words a lady was tailgating us. This was a two way road with no place to pass. Tom was doing the speed limit but she didn’t seem to care nor had the ability to read the following signs: “Do not tailgate.” “Follow at least two dots beyond.” The dots on the road are markers for drivers. She was half a dot behind us and stayed that way until we turned off the road.

I understand why they had so many signs on that road. They should also post police cars to catch the violators. No one seemed to be paying attention to the millions of signs on the road.

Maybe I’ve become soft. I’ve not lived here in 16 years but I’ve managed to drive across the country not once but twice, yet I will not drive outside of Long Island. Why? The people on the road are nuts. They speed. They weave like it was the Indy 500. They ride your bumper.

Here’s the crazy thing. Sixteen years ago, I didn’t notice the difference. I was right at home and could weave with the best of them. Things change. I’ve come to realize that I will get there when I get there. I leave early enough to allow for traffic even though that’s hard to judge. I guess don’t feel the urgent need for speed. I’ve realized that I’ll get there whether the traffic tries to slow me down or other drivers cut me off.

God gets me to where I’m going. I prefer to move at His pace. Granted, His pace sometimes feels like its supersonic and other times feels like I’m crawling. When I’m on His road I’ll get there. I’ll the driving to Him.

© Nadine Zawacki 2009

Second Opinion

A second opinion is a good thing. Having a clearer picture of what is happening in a situation is helpful. A fresh set of eyes that are caring and loving can deliver peace of mind like nothing else.

When living in West Virginia we became good friends with a man who was doctor. We connected on many levels because he was a Christian and from New York. His specialty was nephrology but he became our family doctor. He had a caring bedside manner and prophetic giftings that aided him with diagnosing your ailments.

With all the different medical issues Tom had gone through lately we were getting frustrated that no one was looking at the big picture as a whole. He had trouble with his legs and the family doctor sent him to a cardiologist who wanted tests. The family doctor was looking for the cause but didn’t nothing for the symptoms. It’s taken over a month to get all the tests done and we still don’t have definitive answers. He also saw the oncologist who only wanted to treat the symptoms but not necessarily try to find out “why” this was happening.

Tom searched and found Dr. D, our friend. He was living in PA. He had us change our appointment to the last one of the day so that we can visit with him afterwards. We took all his records and he sat with us; looked over every test, did additional tests that were not done, called an oncologist friend to review that aspect of his health and gave us a clear, concise picture. He said what was being done was on track. He cleared his kidneys from any issues that may have arisen from chemotherapy. Right now, Tom is doing well. His legs still hurt but it will take time for it to heal. He will have maintenance treatments done in October and every 6 months for the next two years. His lymphoma is being monitored with these treatments and PET scans. I keep praying for total healing.

The four hour drive was well worth it. How many doctors you know spend over an hour and half with you in their office and then take you out to dinner. It was wonderful to see him and his children. We will continue to keep him informed of all that happens here so he can continue to keep an eye on Tom’s health.

A second opinion gave us peace of mind.

© Nadine Zawacki 2009