Last night I had a vivid dream. I was in a deep sleep, but I heard someone knocking at my front door. I heard it so clearly that it woke me up. That was the whole dream. I woke up scared that someone was at the door. When I realized I was dreaming, I went back to sleep. When I got up this morning I told my resident dream interpreter what had happened. Tom’s first thought was, Revelation 3:20 - Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.
I pondered that for several hours knowing that God wanted to talk to me. He wanted me to invite Him in. He went to great lengths to get my attention. I then had to be honest with myself – I had shut Him out. My heart grieved. When did this happen?
It happened very slowly over many, many years. It started with a hurt and a disappointment to unanswered prayer. He didn’t answer my prayer the way I thought He should. I started to blame Him without really saying it out loud. Here’s the thing I didn’t have to say it out loud. I said it within my heart and my heart grew harder.
He didn’t shut me out. In my hardness of heart, I didn’t totally lock Him out. He continued to use me to pray for people and minister to them even though I struggled inwardly. I don’t why He continued to allow me to love on people but He did. I just couldn’t love me.
Today is a new day. Today I admitted to myself what I’ve done. I admitted it to Him. He loves me unconditionally. I never realized how much until He knocked so loudly I couldn’t ignore Him anymore.
© Nadine Zawacki 2013