Last week Tom started his next round of Rituxon treatments. When cancer came back for a second time a year and half ago, the doctor wanted to do the regular round of chemotherapy followed up with four rounds of maintenance Rituxon treatments spread out over two years.
It was time again for his annual PET scan test. My heart and certain areas of my mind understand the need for this test – to see if cancer has progressed. There are areas of my brain that fail me. My physical body absorbs all that my mind tries to put aside. I can’t sleep, my stomach hurts and other unpleasant side effects.
We sat in the examine room anxious for the results. I felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest. I thought my head would explode if it took just one more minute for the doctor to enter the room. My eyes were trying to keep the water works from flowing. When the doctor finally entered, I put on a smile on my face and waited for the longest three seconds of my life. Everything was fine. The test results were good.
So why do I this to myself every time? I believe when I try to ignore the worry or the concern that’s when my physical body rebels. It’s an ugly cycle that won’t go away. I pray. I asked God for peace.
I love my husband. I need him. I don’t want to lose him. I want the voices in my head to just shut the heck up!
© Nadine Zawacki 2010