Monday, November 08, 2010

Would the Voice in My Head Shut Up

Last week Tom started his next round of Rituxon treatments. When cancer came back for a second time a year and half ago, the doctor wanted to do the regular round of chemotherapy followed up with four rounds of maintenance Rituxon treatments spread out over two years.

It was time again for his annual PET scan test. My heart and certain areas of my mind understand the need for this test – to see if cancer has progressed. There are areas of my brain that fail me. My physical body absorbs all that my mind tries to put aside. I can’t sleep, my stomach hurts and other unpleasant side effects.

We sat in the examine room anxious for the results. I felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest. I thought my head would explode if it took just one more minute for the doctor to enter the room. My eyes were trying to keep the water works from flowing. When the doctor finally entered, I put on a smile on my face and waited for the longest three seconds of my life. Everything was fine. The test results were good.

So why do I this to myself every time? I believe when I try to ignore the worry or the concern that’s when my physical body rebels. It’s an ugly cycle that won’t go away. I pray. I asked God for peace.

I love my husband. I need him. I don’t want to lose him. I want the voices in my head to just shut the heck up!

© Nadine Zawacki 2010

13 comments:

Donna said...

Nadine, you're not alone. We all have to dismiss the committee meeting in our head at times. He loves me, He loves me, He loves me.
No matter what - He loves me. The daisy petals always say "He loves me." Rejoicing with you over the good report and expecting many more of them. Peace, my sister, God's got your back and Tom is safe with Him. <3 you

Candice Rose said...

The picture you chose is perfect! I know I don't know exactly what you went though because I haven't gone through that but I definitely know the feeling of wanting to shut those voices in my head up.
Thanks for sharing something so stressful for you. I love you Nadine!

Ginnie said...

boy, do I hear you! it has been 4 1/2 years since Adam's last round of surgeries, and when the doctor would come into his hospital room and drop the bomb "he's got to go back to the OR", sometimes my stomach would turn so hard I thought I would just throw up. and then fight off the death threats the enemy always makes against him.
we know, as you do too, that the Lord is always with us, and sometimes all we can do is hold onto that truth. Love you guys. and praying for you. Peace.

Cindy Campbell said...

Nadine! You Rock! You are not alone! God is always there by my side but the voices telling me what I did wrong to cause the boys to be the way they are..etc. You are an overcomer, and so is Tom. We have to just do what we can to hut them out...And there are days I am better at it than others. I know what you are going through is different than the issues I have with the boys, but it is the only refference point I have.
Thank you for being so open and so full of love!
Cindy

Grace said...

BIG hugs to both of you. We love you so much.

It really is amazing, that mind-body connection. So why does medicine try to compartmentalize us?

Shionge said...

So glad that all is fine Nadine, take care.

Marie Antionette said...

My heart goes out to you and I do understand what you are going though. My brother was just told he had cancer and it was just unbearable.But he looked at me and said...Sis everything will be ok,Its in Gods hands. He is at peace with it. I'm not. I will say some prayers for you and your hubby.
May God bless you both,
Marie Antionette.

Kate said...

When I was sick I think I realized that it is often more difficult for the person who is not sick. It takes great emotional strength.

I can't imagine what you are going through. My thoughts are with you!

Dawn said...

I can only imagine! So glad all was well.

Kate said...

So happy for the good result. I get what you mean though. Sometimes I wonder if our mind wouldn't go on overload if our bodies didn't bear the brunt of it.

Love you and continuing to pray.

LulĂș said...

Wow, I can't imagine the feeling of sitting in a room waiting for those results and I'm sorry you had to go through it again....however, I am thrilled to hear that everything is FINE and that Tom is doing well! Yay!!!!

PS - It's me, the chica from Miami, in a new home. :)

palmtreefanatic said...

I pray all is well Nadine with all testing and u have him around for 100 more yrs:) Be Blessed both of you!!!

Christina said...

So happy to hear everything is well. It's funny how the voices in our head have such an impact on our emotions.