Happy Birthday Lisa

Today my baby girl turns 28 years old. I couldn't be more proud of who she is as a grown woman. She's in her final year of grad school and starting her internship at a clinic. She's beautiful and smart. That's what I always tell her. I wouldn't say it if it weren't true.

If I was living nearby I would be preparing her favorite meal - cream cheese chicken and baking her favorite C*A*K*E (since she was a little kid we would spell it out and it just stuck). It's times like these I wish I could say, "Beam me up Scotty."

Even though I can't be with her today, I'm comforted in the fact that she's surrounded by good friends who will make her feel special and help her celebrate her day.

Lisa we love you. We're sorry we can't be with you but in our hearts you are firmly placed today. You're on our minds all day long. Have an fabulous day. You're an awesome young lady.

© Nadine Zawacki 2011

Tale of Two Bracelet

A couple of months ago, Tom and I went on a trip to Virginia. Good friends were speaking at conference and it was a good way for us to see them. We also stayed with one of our dear friends who lives in Virginia for a couple of days afterwards.

Bracelet One

We had the opportunity to pray for a pastor and his family that came to this country from Jordan. He was asked to leave because he was preaching the word of God. They have three children and they had to leave two of them behind along with all their belongings. The church that was hosting the conference was helping them find a place to live, a job, etc. When I prayed for the wife, I felt led to pray for hope. As I prayed, I knew God wanted me to give her my hope bracelet. For those of you who know me, understand how much that bracelet meant to me. I’ve worn a hope bracelet everyday since finding out that Tom had cancer. It’s a reminder for me that God is in control of Tom’s cancer. Hope for the future. Hope that he will be healed. The doctors told us that recurrence is not a matter of “if” but “when” with his type of cancer. So our future is really in God’s hands.

It wasn’t easy to give that bracelet up, but I knew it was important for me to give her a reminder of hope.

Bracelet Two

My friend Ginny makes lovely bracelets out of guitar wire. It’s unique. As a matter of fact she made one for my mom. (pictured below my mom and mine). We were having lunch one day with the worship leader and his wife. She admired the bracelet. The fact it was made out of guitar wire was especially appealing for a musician. When she said she liked it, immediately I heard a small voice inside of me say, “Give it to her.” I ignored it since I had already given away a bracelet the day before. Then she asked if she could see it up close. As soon as I took it off I knew I would never wear it again. It was a pleasure to give it away because she was so happy to receive it.

Not only did my friend make me another pretty bracelet but Tom replaced mine with 4 others (he couldn’t decide which one to buy) and my friend we stayed with in Virginia also gave me a bracelet.

At the time that I gave away my bracelets I wasn’t thinking about getting a replacement, but how awesome to not only get a replacement but I got more than double what I gave away.

© Nadine Zawacki 2011

Waiting to Exhale

It's that time of year again - Tom's PET Scan. I hate this test. I hate cancer. I hate that we or anyone else has to deal with it. Tom had the test on last Friday and tomorrow we find out the results.

Most of the time we focus on life and living it. We forge ahead and enjoy each other. I try not to let cancer rob me of any time or any happiness with Tom. It's always there in the background - like a ticking time bomb. Whenever I read a story of a celebrity that just died from the same form of cancer Tom has I wonder - why them? How is the spouse coping? How are the kids?

Cancer sucks. It's that simple. It kills and destroys. It robs good people of time and people they love. I know people who have lost spouses, children, parents, siblings, family and friends to cancer.

The only thing you can do is not let cancer suck life out of you. You enjoy the good days, endure the bad but keep moving forward. It's time like these - waiting to see if your loved one is still in remission that's hard.

You sit in the doctor's office. You look at him and try to read his face. You hold your breath and brace yourself for bad news while hoping with all your heart that the news is good. Your heart rises to your throat and you wait. You wait to exhale.

I'm praying for good news tomorrow. I love Tom with my whole heart. I need him. I want to grow old with him. I'm tired of holding it in - my thoughts, my fears. So I share here today a small portion of what goes on in my head.

God is good. God does love me. Everything else begins at number 3.  So I'm waiting for good news tomorrow. I'm waiting to exhale.

© Nadine Zawacki 2011