57

In my lifetime I’ve probably gained and lost the total weight of the New York Giants. I couldn’t believe all the love I received when I recently posted I’ve lost 57 pounds. I’m a little over a third of the way to my goal. In case you were wondering that’s a whopping 150 pounds total. I know that sounds like a lot of weight because it is. It’s not that I want to be “super skinny” or even a single digit size because I won’t be. I would be at a size that is healthy for my height, age and bone structure.

Writing about weight loss is a very personal and difficult thing. I’ve lost weight before. I’ve written about it before, but never in the “middle” of the process. My journey started last June when I went to the doctor’s. He wanted to put me on medicine for diabetes. I didn’t want that. He said lose weight or else he’ll have to give me medication. He suggested Atkins or South Beach. He said it was the best for high blood sugar.

I’m not here to advocate a diet program. There are so many ways to lose weight out there. A person has to do what is in their heart to do and what works for them. For me it has worked and I need to keep in mind - eat less, eat better and exercise more. I followed my doctor’s advice and I’ve lost 57 pounds without exercising.

I tried about a month ago to exercise. I put on a dance exercise DVD. I know it’s important for my body to warm up and cool down so I started with those. I didn’t expect to not make it through the warm up. What I needed was oxygen and a paramedic.

I’m happy to report that I tried that same DVD again and got through the warm up, 95% of the exercise and the cool down with no need for paramedics.

This has not been an easy journey but it’s a rewarding one. My knees feel better and I can walk easier than before.

Even though people have told me I have great discipline, I really don’t. What I have is determination. What I have is a goal I want to reach. What I have is 50 years of life and I’m just too tired to keep going up and down the scale anymore. What I want to do is stay healthy for my future grandchildren.

I’m pleased with my progress so far. I’m grateful for a husband who loves me no matter what that scale reads. He’s told me I’m beautiful and that he loves me everyday of our married life regardless of my dress size. He just wants me to be happy.

Hopefully in the future I can report continued progress towards my goal.

© Nadine Zawacki 2012

I Wore Heels for This

I’ve been actively looking for a job. It hasn’t been easy because about a million other people are looking for that same job. I’ve signed up with Temp Agencies, I’ve posted my resume on various work sites, I’ve faxed and emailed more resumes than I care to mention.

I recently went on a job interview. They told me on the phone it was customer service, mostly answering phones. Easy. I can do that in my sleep. I wore my “interview dress” and heels. I looked my professional best. With resume in hand, I headed out for the interview. I felt confident and hopeful.

When I got there the receptionist was on the phone. She smiled at me and gave me a form to fill out. As I sat there I noticed the lack of office furniture. The carpets were dirty. The receptionist was dressed a bit . . . how should I put it? . . . less professional than expected.

When I finally met with the interviewer – his office had less furniture than the reception area and was just as dirty. He proceeded to tell me how impressed he was with my resume. He informed me the reception position was just filled by the lovely young lady that greeted me, but what he had was “sales positions” opened. If I was interested I can work for him on a “commission” basis only. They would train me (while I didn’t get paid), then I can work and get a nice percentage of the sales I make (in other words – work for free while I try to sell people things they don’t really need).

Yeah, I wore heels for that. I know there is a job out there even though it’s alluding me, but it won’t be for long. Have another interview coming up. I hope it’s at least heels worthy.

© Nadine Zawacki 2011

Happy Birthday Son

Today my son turns 26 years old. He is a hard working young man who is focused and determined. I’m very proud of him. He works in the Art Department on different projects in Los Angeles. It’s the nature of the business he’s in to go from job to job. He’s currently working on the TV show Parks & Recreation.

I’m looking forward to seeing him and his sister for Christmas. Today being Thanksgiving, I give thanks for my son. He’s a good man who reminds me of his Dad. Like his sister, he is a mix of both of us but there so much of his Dad in him.

I love you son. I’m very proud to be your mom and I’m grateful for having you in my life. I wish I could be with him today to cook his favorite meal and make a birthday cake for him, but I will make up for when I see him next month. Happy Birthday Son – I hope your day is filled with great blessings and much joy.

© Nadine Zawacki 2011

Et tu, Brute?

I’ve been watching a mini series about Rome and Julius Caesar. Whenever I watch anything that is based on history, I get on the computer and “google it.” I want to be reminded of the actual events.

How did Brutus get the best of Caesar? He pretended to be his friend. Caesar forgave him and others who opposed him. He gave them a second chance. Some might say a chance to stay close and betray him. One might say it might have been better for Caesar to hang his enemies instead of extending forgiveness because in the end he was killed by them.

Caesar’s mistake wasn’t in forgiving but in trusting his enemies. Now I’m not trying to say that Julius Caesar was a good man or anything like that. I’m not making a point about his character or his actions. I’m making an observation about forgiveness or at least what I got out of the story.

It’s not easy for me to forgive. If I forgive someone then am I saying what they did to me was right? Do I have to feel like forgiveness? No, it’s not a requirement. I forget that sometimes it’s a process for me. I sometimes make the mistake that if I forgive I need to trust those I forgive to “prove” forgiveness took place.

Trust is earned. I need to remember that forgiveness was given to me freely from God. I need to forgive just as freely. I’ve been on the other end also, when I’ve asked for forgiveness and it wasn’t given to me. There is nothing I could do to make that person forgive me. My heart was saddened that I hurt them in such a way that forgiveness couldn’t be given. I pray that one day they will find it in their heart to extend forgiveness. I don’t want to do that to anyone else.

Every so often I like to check my forgiveness meter. Is there anyone I have not forgiven for their hurt towards me? Some days that meter is empty and other days not so much. I’m a work in progress and I’m working on it.

© Nadine Zawacki 2011

Painting done by Vincenzo Camuccini

Happy Birthday Lisa

Today my baby girl turns 28 years old. I couldn't be more proud of who she is as a grown woman. She's in her final year of grad school and starting her internship at a clinic. She's beautiful and smart. That's what I always tell her. I wouldn't say it if it weren't true.

If I was living nearby I would be preparing her favorite meal - cream cheese chicken and baking her favorite C*A*K*E (since she was a little kid we would spell it out and it just stuck). It's times like these I wish I could say, "Beam me up Scotty."

Even though I can't be with her today, I'm comforted in the fact that she's surrounded by good friends who will make her feel special and help her celebrate her day.

Lisa we love you. We're sorry we can't be with you but in our hearts you are firmly placed today. You're on our minds all day long. Have an fabulous day. You're an awesome young lady.

© Nadine Zawacki 2011

Tale of Two Bracelet

A couple of months ago, Tom and I went on a trip to Virginia. Good friends were speaking at conference and it was a good way for us to see them. We also stayed with one of our dear friends who lives in Virginia for a couple of days afterwards.

Bracelet One

We had the opportunity to pray for a pastor and his family that came to this country from Jordan. He was asked to leave because he was preaching the word of God. They have three children and they had to leave two of them behind along with all their belongings. The church that was hosting the conference was helping them find a place to live, a job, etc. When I prayed for the wife, I felt led to pray for hope. As I prayed, I knew God wanted me to give her my hope bracelet. For those of you who know me, understand how much that bracelet meant to me. I’ve worn a hope bracelet everyday since finding out that Tom had cancer. It’s a reminder for me that God is in control of Tom’s cancer. Hope for the future. Hope that he will be healed. The doctors told us that recurrence is not a matter of “if” but “when” with his type of cancer. So our future is really in God’s hands.

It wasn’t easy to give that bracelet up, but I knew it was important for me to give her a reminder of hope.

Bracelet Two

My friend Ginny makes lovely bracelets out of guitar wire. It’s unique. As a matter of fact she made one for my mom. (pictured below my mom and mine). We were having lunch one day with the worship leader and his wife. She admired the bracelet. The fact it was made out of guitar wire was especially appealing for a musician. When she said she liked it, immediately I heard a small voice inside of me say, “Give it to her.” I ignored it since I had already given away a bracelet the day before. Then she asked if she could see it up close. As soon as I took it off I knew I would never wear it again. It was a pleasure to give it away because she was so happy to receive it.

Not only did my friend make me another pretty bracelet but Tom replaced mine with 4 others (he couldn’t decide which one to buy) and my friend we stayed with in Virginia also gave me a bracelet.

At the time that I gave away my bracelets I wasn’t thinking about getting a replacement, but how awesome to not only get a replacement but I got more than double what I gave away.

© Nadine Zawacki 2011

Waiting to Exhale

It's that time of year again - Tom's PET Scan. I hate this test. I hate cancer. I hate that we or anyone else has to deal with it. Tom had the test on last Friday and tomorrow we find out the results.

Most of the time we focus on life and living it. We forge ahead and enjoy each other. I try not to let cancer rob me of any time or any happiness with Tom. It's always there in the background - like a ticking time bomb. Whenever I read a story of a celebrity that just died from the same form of cancer Tom has I wonder - why them? How is the spouse coping? How are the kids?

Cancer sucks. It's that simple. It kills and destroys. It robs good people of time and people they love. I know people who have lost spouses, children, parents, siblings, family and friends to cancer.

The only thing you can do is not let cancer suck life out of you. You enjoy the good days, endure the bad but keep moving forward. It's time like these - waiting to see if your loved one is still in remission that's hard.

You sit in the doctor's office. You look at him and try to read his face. You hold your breath and brace yourself for bad news while hoping with all your heart that the news is good. Your heart rises to your throat and you wait. You wait to exhale.

I'm praying for good news tomorrow. I love Tom with my whole heart. I need him. I want to grow old with him. I'm tired of holding it in - my thoughts, my fears. So I share here today a small portion of what goes on in my head.

God is good. God does love me. Everything else begins at number 3.  So I'm waiting for good news tomorrow. I'm waiting to exhale.

© Nadine Zawacki 2011